Failure to define yourself...

I was born in Otongo Jirrii Village to an army and a farmer. At about 5 years, we moved to Odokomit, a small town center in Lira District, Northern Uganda.  Where I had an opportunity to join Barapwo Primary School, A community base school located 2km away from our home stead. In my childhood, we used to wake up at 5:00am early in the morning, sweep the compound, and interestingly to catch up with time, we used to only wash our legs and rush to school in order to reach early and avoid being victim of late comers.

Even though I was one of the best students in primary school, I always felt ‘little’ when we travelled to center and interact with kids of the rich studying in the most powerful school in the district like St Kizito.

I felt everyone there was more beautiful, Handsome, intelligent, spoke better English and was generally better than me. I had a similar experience in secondary school, always looking down on myself and feeling I was not good enough. Oh how I wished I were a ‘Buddo King or Kisubi college boy’ because I thought they were so cool! Yet, when my family finally moved to Kampala, to study in one of the most to finest well grounded religious school in the city “Merryland High School” I still didn’t feel cool. On top of this I didn’t even have a girlfriend! If only I could get a girlfriend, then I will be cool like the other girls… I thought.

In University, I met some really wonderful friends, some of whom were from ‘rich’ families and I thought being friends with them will make me feel cool. I didn’t. I had the opportunity to start travelling abroad and I was certain that when I returned, I most definitely will feel cool and belong in a ‘cool boys click’.  Well, I did have cool friends before and after travelling, still, I didn’t feel like I was cool and ‘there’ yet. Oh by the way, in my third year I finally had a real girlfriend of-course shit happened! And we are no longer together.

Even as a career man working in an international organization and the government of Uganda, under the leading and statutory youth body called the National Youth Council of Uganda, I looked down on myself. Once my Permanent Secretary called me into his office and asked why I never came asking for a pay raise and promotion when other staffs always came to him with such requests. My response was ‘I want to earn it, not ask for it’. That was the half-truth.

 The real reason was that I felt I was not good enough to deserve more. I convinced myself that ‘I was not there yet’. I used to look at my friends who were lawyers, doctors or pursuing something big and wished I could do that too. I also wanted to be ‘somebody’. To make matters worse, I was just getting thin and going down! I thought getting a certificate with one of the top ranking university such as Harvard will make me finally feel cool and ‘important’, Guess what, interestingly, at various stages in my life I would meet people who were so impressed by and thought highly of me, yet I never saw what they saw. Mostly when people even complimented me, I doubted them and thought they were just trying to be nice. 

How I found my ‘cool’

Recently, I was in a certain meeting and had to tell my story. One of the persons present asked me ‘but why did you have low self-esteem when you went to some of the best schools: Merryland High School, Makerere University and Harvard School of Humanitarian Academy and had all these international exposure’ I told them frankly: ‘I don’t know’. It was after this encounter that I started pondering on why I really had such a low self-esteem. That was when it hit me!

I had it all wrong; I was looking for value in the wrong places. I thought being rich, a prominent lawyer or doctor, speaking good English, having a Masters, dressing beautifully, having a hot girlfriend, etc was what would give me value! I had been calling myself a Christian and going to church all my life, yet it took Marianne Williamson’s poem ‘Our Deepest Fear’ to open my eyes to the value I already had. It was this part;

‘You ask yourself, who are you to be brilliant, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD’ Bam!!! Funny thing was, I had been using this poem in training sessions for so long and yet I still didn’t even get it. I had to read it over and over again to finally have the veil removed from my eyes! Think about it; why will a child of the Most High God, Creator of the universe and more, look for value and for that matter validation from earthly creations?

 Now that I look back, I realize it was really unfortunate for me to think that way. Ever since I made this discovery some two years ago, my life has not been the same again. Yes, there are times I still feel I am not good enough, but now I remind myself of whose I am when that thought comes to me. When a negative voice in my head asks ‘who do you think you are to inspire others?’, I respond ‘I am a Child of God!’

Why do I feel the need to share this today? Well, I have had the opportunity to speak on many platforms to women, men, youth and children. I have also interviewed many fabulous women who literally awe me. Interestingly, I find that a lot of these people I encounter are having internal battles trying to find their value in this life, trying to be cool so that other people will accept them. I know exactly how that feels like and it just breaks my heart. This is why I feel so passionate when speaking with people about the subject.

Dearest reader, no one can validate you expect your creator. Being a Christian, I believe I was created by God and hence now I have found my ‘cool’ in Him so that when negative voices arise to distract and slow me down, I can remind them of whose I am. I want to strongly recommend this to you as well if you are in a similar boat as I was in. Bless you!