I was born in Otongo Jirrii Village to an army and a farmer. At about
5 years, we moved to Odokomit, a small town center in Lira District, Northern
Uganda. Where I had an opportunity to
join Barapwo Primary School, A community base school located 2km away from our
home stead. In my childhood, we used to wake up at 5:00am early in the morning,
sweep the compound, and interestingly to catch up with time, we used to only
wash our legs and rush to school in order to reach early and avoid being victim
of late comers.
Even though I was one of the best students in primary school, I
always felt ‘little’ when we travelled to center and interact with kids of the
rich studying in the most powerful school in the district like St Kizito.
I
felt everyone there was more beautiful, Handsome, intelligent, spoke better
English and was generally better than me. I had a similar experience in
secondary school, always looking down on myself and feeling I was not good enough.
Oh how I wished I were a ‘Buddo King or Kisubi college boy’ because I thought
they were so cool! Yet, when my family finally moved to Kampala, to study in
one of the most to finest well grounded religious school in the city “Merryland
High School” I still didn’t feel cool. On top of this I didn’t even have a girlfriend!
If only I could get a girlfriend, then I will be cool like the other girls… I
thought.
In
University, I met some really wonderful friends, some of whom were from ‘rich’
families and I thought being friends with them will make me feel cool. I
didn’t. I had the opportunity to start travelling abroad and I was certain that
when I returned, I most definitely will feel cool and belong in a ‘cool boys
click’. Well, I did have cool friends before and after travelling, still,
I didn’t feel like I was cool and ‘there’ yet. Oh by the way, in my third year
I finally had a real girlfriend of-course shit happened! And we are no longer
together.
Even
as a career man working in an international organization and the government of
Uganda, under the leading and statutory youth body called the National Youth
Council of Uganda, I looked down on myself. Once my Permanent Secretary called
me into his office and asked why I never came asking for a pay raise and
promotion when other staffs always came to him with such requests. My response
was ‘I want to earn it, not ask for it’. That was the half-truth.
The real reason was that I felt I was not good
enough to deserve more. I convinced myself that ‘I was not there yet’. I used
to look at my friends who were lawyers, doctors or pursuing something big and
wished I could do that too. I also wanted to be ‘somebody’. To make matters
worse, I was just getting thin and going down! I thought getting a certificate
with one of the top ranking university such as Harvard will make me finally
feel cool and ‘important’, Guess what, interestingly, at various stages in my
life I would meet people who were so impressed by and thought highly of me, yet
I never saw what they saw. Mostly when people even complimented me, I doubted
them and thought they were just trying to be nice.
How I found my ‘cool’
Recently,
I was in a certain meeting and had to tell my story. One of the persons present
asked me ‘but why did you have low self-esteem when you went to some of the
best schools: Merryland High School, Makerere University and Harvard School of
Humanitarian Academy and had all these international exposure’ I told them
frankly: ‘I don’t know’. It was after this encounter that I started pondering
on why I really had such a low self-esteem. That was when it hit me!
I
had it all wrong; I was looking for value in the wrong places. I thought being
rich, a prominent lawyer or doctor, speaking good English, having a Masters,
dressing beautifully, having a hot girlfriend, etc was what would give me
value! I had been calling myself a Christian and going to church all my life,
yet it took Marianne Williamson’s poem ‘Our Deepest Fear’ to open my eyes to
the value I already had. It was this part;
‘You
ask yourself, who are you to be brilliant, talented, fabulous? Actually, who
are you not to be? YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD’ Bam!!! Funny thing was, I had been
using this poem in training sessions for so long and yet I still didn’t even
get it. I had to read it over and over again to finally have the veil removed
from my eyes! Think about it; why will a child of the Most High God, Creator of
the universe and more, look for value and for that matter validation from
earthly creations?
Now that I look back, I realize it was really
unfortunate for me to think that way. Ever since I made this discovery some two
years ago, my life has not been the same again. Yes, there are times I still
feel I am not good enough, but now I remind myself of whose I am when that
thought comes to me. When a negative voice in my head asks ‘who do you think
you are to inspire others?’, I respond ‘I am a Child of God!’
Why
do I feel the need to share this today? Well, I have had the opportunity to
speak on many platforms to women, men, youth and children. I have also
interviewed many fabulous women who literally awe me. Interestingly, I find
that a lot of these people I encounter are having internal battles trying to
find their value in this life, trying to be cool so that other people will
accept them. I know exactly how that feels like and it just breaks my heart.
This is why I feel so passionate when speaking with people about the subject.
Dearest
reader, no one can validate you expect your creator. Being a Christian, I believe
I was created by God and hence now I have found my ‘cool’ in Him so that when
negative voices arise to distract and slow me down, I can remind them of whose
I am. I want to strongly recommend this to you as well if you are in a similar
boat as I was in. Bless you!